He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
