WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
