My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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