apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
