You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
