Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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