I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
