What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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