The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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