She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
