somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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