Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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