i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
