fuck your aforementioned shoe
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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