i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I believe in your delicious
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
