if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
