I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
