I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Found the puke drawer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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