I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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