i was born a porn star she said
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
