I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
