In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
