I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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