I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
