yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
