The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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