Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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