I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
