remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
