Tell her she can't have a vagina
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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