2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
