I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize