Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
