two words: eviction party
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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