First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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