Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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