Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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