All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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