just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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