So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
