Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
