You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
