I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
