Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
