I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
