Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
