We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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