whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
