Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
