So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The adults are the big ones right?
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