i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
