dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
