Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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