theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
