Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
