I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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